50 Ways to Avoid Imminent Death
by mercurywrites
Summary: Have you ever been worried about finding youself facing death at the hands of Voldemort? Well, just read this manual and worry no longer...
1. 50 Ways

50 Ways to Avoid Imminent Death (AKA 50 Ways to Stun/Confuse/Distract Lord Voldemort Long Enough to Make an Escape)

**WARNING**: These suggestions may just as likely get you killed on the spot. FOLLOW AT YOUR OWN RISK!

1) Kiss him full on the mouth.

2) Shout, "Oh, shit! I just got my period!" whether or not you are actually a woman. Even the darkest of Dark Lords is uncomfortable with the topic of menstruation.

3) Pull out your cell phone and tell him that Darth Vader (or any other notable science fiction villain) is on the other line. Relay to him the message that Vader or villain-of-your-choice is challenging him to a duel to determine supremacy.

4) Tell him Harry Potter is standing right behind him.

5) Tell him Albus Dumbledore is standing right behind him.

6) Give him a love note signed 'Peter Pettigrew' surrounded by an excess of cute little hearts.

7) Tell him that you just saw Nagini – she was on fire, and the Golden Trio was roasting marshmallows over her incinerated body.

8) Give him a big hug while singing the Barney theme song. Afterward, if you're still alive and you're feeling especially brave, tell him you're sorry his parents didn't love him.

9) Hand him the business card of a notable plastic surgeon. Say, "They can do wonders for your nose….or, lack thereof…"

10) Give him a beautifully wrapped present and sing happy birthday, whether or not it is actually his birthday.

11) If your death has been preplanned, get a house elf to slip some U-No-Poo into his morning pumpkin juice on the day of your planned death. While Voldy is busy struggling on the toilet, RUN!

12) Tell him you think Grindelwald is a much cooler dark wizard. Suggest going to him for tips.

13) Read Twilight to him. Escape while he is busy obsessing over Edward Cullen.

14) Give him a complicated algebraic equation. Try to explain it, and leave him scratching his head.

15) Kick him where it hurts.

16) Start singing showtunes.

17) Express your undying love. Serenade him, preferably.

18) Use Legilimency to make him relive every time he was defeated by Harry Potter…over….and over…and over…(WARNING: For the skilled Legilimens only)

19) Get him drunk.

20) Pretend to be his therapist. No matter what he says, respond with, "And how does that make you feel?"

21) Tell him about the beautiful diadem/ring/any fitting Horcrux you saw the other day. Say that you accidentally stepped on it and it shattered to pieces.

22) Tell him he's the father of your child. (WARNING: This will only work if you are a woman)

23) Shoot him. Say, "See? Muggles have killing curses too!"

24) Tell him Umbridge has a crush on him. Suggest the idea of bald, noseless toad babies. Leave while he is retching.

25) Point behind him and shout, "Look! It's the Elder Wand!"

26) Use one of the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Portable Swamps to turn wherever you are into a swamp. If you're lucky, Voldemort will end up stuck in some deep, murky water. If you're _really_ lucky, he won't know how to swim.

27) Sick a Hungarian Horntail on him.

28) Tell him Gelert Grindelwald is just outside the door, and he's come to take his rightful place as the Dark Lord.

29) Tell him Neville Longbottom has just declared himself the Dark Lord Happydoodles.

30) Insist that the reason he wants to kill Harry Potter so badly is because he feels inferior to the Boy-Who-Lived. (WARNING: It is extremely likely that this will get you killed on the spot, but if you're lucky you'll argue with him until he's so exhausted, he'll fall asleep)

31) (Idea created by Windsofdreams) Tell him to join the Snakey Club. Members include Lord Orochimaru (Naruto) and Medusa (Soul Eater).

32) Run up to him and shout, "You can't kill me!" When he asks you why not, shout, "Because the Dolphin King will eat you!!!"

33) Insist that you are his and Bellatrix's love child.

34) Tell him that you can magically make his hair grow. Go up behind him and hit him hard over the head, knocking him unconscious.

35) Pretend to be the reincarnation of Salazar Slytherin.

36) Assemble an army of rabid squirrels. Right before Voldemort Avada Kedavra's you, do the squirrel call. Your army will stampede to your rescue.

37) Pretend to be/become a Jahovah Witness and try to convert him.

38) Bring a priest, a bible, and a rosary when Voldemort summons you. Have the priest perform an exorcism on him. (Who knows, maybe it will actually work!)

39) Go up to him and start gnawing on his arm. Tell him he tastes like a pineapple.

40) Pretend to be a cat and rub against his legs. Purr, for extra measure. (Maybe he'll like you and decide to make you his eighth Horcrux!)

41) Sing the "I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves" song.

42) De-age him. Raise him to become a pharmacist.

43) Give him a puppy. Puppies make everyone happier.

44) Bend down on one knee and ask him for his hand in marriage. Stick the fake-Horcrux-ring on him. Laugh as the poison begins to turn his hand black.

45) Steal Hermione's time-turner. Use it to send him back to the age of the dinosaurs.

46) Set upon him a herd of obsessive teenage fan girls.

47) Transfigure a tree, if you are outdoors, or a couch, if you are indoors, into an angry rhinoceros.

48) Better yet, transfigure something into Michael Jackson! (RIP, MJ!)

49) Set Voldy on fire.

50) Use the Imperius to make him shag Mrs. Norris.


	2. 50 More Ways

50 More Ways to Avoid Imminent Death!

51) Blind him with a flashlight. (Surprisingly effective!)

52) Hire someone to drop a piano on the guy. Classic.

53) Tell him you're his mother and you've come to love him.

54) Ride in on your elephant. Crush him.

55) Transfigure him into a mouse. Cage him and keep him as a pet. Name him Squiggles.

56) Tell him the two of you had a child together. Lead him to believe it was Lucius Malfoy.

57) Slip mushrooms into his supper. A hallucinating Dark Lord is the best kind of Dark Lord.

58) Transfigure his robes into a frilly pink dress. Let him know that carnation pink is _really _his color, and leave while he is admiring himself.

59) Throw a toaster at his head.

60) Fall to the ground before he even has a chance to kill you. When he comes over to see what happened, whip out your baseball bat and hit him over the head.

61) Continuously Apparate/Disapparate around the room. Every so often, Apparate behind him, poke him, and scream "GOTCHA!"

62) Transfigure his feet into bunny rabbits.

63) Scream so loudly you shatter his eardrums.

64) Set him on fire and make s'mores!

65) Summon the Goblet of Fire and place it over his head. As if the flames weren't already enough, shrink it.

66) Summon a television set and turn it to Full House. Nobody can resist the charms of Full House.

67) Summon John Stamos. Nobody can resist the charms of John Stamos.

68) Set up a candlelit dinner for him and have an amiable chat as you dine.

69) Tell him you gave Fenrir Greyback a love potion, and now he's madly in love with him. Tell him he's on his way right now. Especially effective if it's the full moon.

70) Point somewhere over his shoulder and shout, "Look, it's the Order of the Phoenix!" If the Order of the Phoenix could actually be there, that would be even better.

71) Hypnotize him. Make him think he's a rooster.

72) Give him a journal and instruct him to write out all of his feelings. It will help with anger management.

73) Bring your pet honey badger. Feed it Nagini for dinner. "Dinner, Honey Badger." (Hufflepuffs everywhere, rejoice)

74) Start gushing about the power of love. Most likely, he will spontaneously combust.

75) Leave a portkey in the elephant exhibit at the zoo. Make Voldemort the other end of the portkey so that elephants are constantly appearing on top of him.

76) Cast a strong Obliviate on him. Tell him that the year is 1880. He's a middle-aged man named Frank who works in the coal mines, has three beautiful children, and enjoys dancing the Minuet with his wife Helen on Friday nights.

77) Cast the Imperius curse on him. Force him to be your slave. And everywhere you go, he has to walk ahead of you and announce to people, "Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the honourable (insert your name here)!"

78) Turn his room at Malfoy Manor into a hotel for the Dementors.

79) Start talking to Greyback about what an enticing meal Voldemort would make. Use words like, "Sumptuous," "Juicy," "Savory," and "Medium-Rare."

80) Transfigure his wand into a feather.

81) Duct tape his mouth shut.

82) Throw heavy books at him until he falls unconscious.

83) Turn the floor where he is standing into a giant sinkhole.

84) Do some snooping around, and find out if Voldemort is allergic to anything. For example, if he has a peanut allergy (it's quite common, you know) shout "ACCIO GOOBER PEAS!" and watch as he breaks out in a terrible rash and/or loses the ability to breathe.

_85-92_ _were all thought up by the wonderful, fantastic TheCompletelyAddictedBookworm!_

85) Park the TARDIS (Type 40 called Sexy) on top of him.

86) Summon River Song. If she's busy, summon her hallucogenic lipstick.

87) Call The Doctor. He can help (and regenerate).

88) Bring along The Last Centurion with you.

89) Make a portkey. Have the other end come out in a spaceship.

90) Bring along a flesh version of yourself. Whilst he's deciding which is the real you, hit him and run.

91) Summon a tank. a Dalek works too but makes your escape less likely.

92) Yell, "Look! A distraction!" and run.

93) Whip your handy-dandy Pokeball out of your pocket. Choose Pikachu. Nobody has ever gone wrong with Pikachu.

94) Send him off to Pigfarts where Rumbleroar will gladly eat him.

95) Give him a makeover. A brand new look can improve even the worst personality!

96) Transfigure his shoes into roller skates so he slips, falls, and possibly breaks his wrist (do dark lords even wear shoes? I wonder what kind they prefer…Nike? Adidas?)

This idea was thought up by doctorwhofan2005

97) Inflate him, and when he gets big, pop him with a pin.

98) Send in the dancing lobsters.

99) Enter his name in the Hunger Games. Fifty times.

100) Hand him a portkey which will transport him to the center of a large plate of Jello.


End file.
